I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
