There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
