All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
