Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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