drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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