I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
