you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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