dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My cat gives me a boner
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
