4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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