Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
