Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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