Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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