I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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