Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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