When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
