Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
