I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
