I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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