do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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