Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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