I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
