I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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