I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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