I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
