I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
