i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize