The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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