yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
