was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
