I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's official drugs can't kill me
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize