fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm jealous of your bromance
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
