I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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