My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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