4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
