I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
