Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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