maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
