Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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