I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
