Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
