I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
