Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Already got asked if we're dating
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
