Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
