Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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