i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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