Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
