my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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