dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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