from now on my penis is your penis
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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