Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
