I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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