Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize