nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
we're so committed to being not committed
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
