I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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