You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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