Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
