He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
