I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
