I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
