hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
