Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
