WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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