I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
