david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
