Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
