he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
