tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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