Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
