beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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